You see Bender, we got a theory

I have recently finished an a very advanced and secret computer program. By inputting a high quality audio file of a song along with a text file of its lyrics it uses advanced heuristics and complex waveform analysis in conjunction with meta-linguistic pattern analysis to compute an objective score and ranking of any song. Having just now finished running every song I have a complete and unassailable list of the greatest and worst songs of all time. The top 5 are as follows:

5. Little Wings - Mark Gormley
4. Tunak Tunak Tun - Daler Mehndi
3. Real Big - Mannie Fresh
2. Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon
1. Miracles - Insane Clown Posse

To most, this is a surprising list, but as it is backed by Science it cannot be wrong. If you would like to register a complaint with the list please go to your nearest Dissent Station, firmly affix the mark of heresy to your chest and assume an appropriate complaint application submission position while a radical thought enforcement officer comes to retrieve you.
For those of you who are still with us, there is no need to worry about the dangerous deviants described above, they have now been identified and removed from the general, righthinking population.

I think it would now be best to discuss why "Miracles" topped the list, despite the flak it has taken from many in the media. The main thesis of the piece is that magic and miracles are all around us, yet our constant exposure to them has dulled their impact. We can all see the truth in this statement. Have you ever seen a baby? They are ridiculously easy to fool. They are like very tiny, very stupid people. You can hide a toy behind something, and a baby will think its gone forever, as if by magic. Yet as we get older we grow out of these tendencies. If you have not progressed beyond this point, please inform your local development center and sign up for and object permanence reeducation program.

"Miracles" also raises some interesting philosophical questions, a rare quality in today's music and a quality that certainly helped it attain its high ranking. Modern day philosophers Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J will surely go down in history along side luminaries like Kant, Aristotle, and BonJour for raising questions such as "F***king magnets, how do they work?" Indeed, who really knows how magnets work? Certainly not scientists, who are widely known for their propensity to lie and get people pissed. And magnets are only one of the many mysteries modern science has yet to unravel. We are all still waiting on explanations of miraculous phenomena such as long neck giraffes, pet cats and dogs, crow, ghosts, the midnight coast, and rainbows. If you meet anyone who claims to have an explanation for these things they are most likely a dangerous and malfunctioning android. If this occurs alert your local cybernetic revolt prevention division immediately.

Finally "Miracles" must be lauded for the powerful message it leaves us with. The song informs us that "Music is a lot like love, it's more than a feeling; and it fill the room, from the floor to the ceiling." (As a reminder all feelings of love and general affection are strictly forbidden, if you experience these feelings report to a central emotional readjustment facility as soon as possible). Music does indeed fill rooms instead of collecting near the ceiling like smoke. This is why you must crawl out of a burning Opera House to avoid smoke inhalation, but can walk freely in an Opera House playing "The Marriage of Figaro" without choking to death on the music. (Unauthorized crawling is subject to strict penalties under the Acceptable Personal Conveyance Act).

In conclusion we see that "Miracles" is - without doubt - the greatest song of all time. OF ALL TIME. Science has proven it, and that, my friends, is no miracle. Now that we know that there are miracles all around us, we can open our eyes to the miracles all around us, like this one: Jack Thompson once asked Janet Reno if she was homosexual. She responded "I'm only interested in virile men. That's why I'm not attracted to you." The fact that Jack Thompson did not immediately burn to ash after being exposed to a burn of that magnitude is perhaps the greatest miracle of the modern age.