Oil Spills: Probably a bad thing

As delicious and potentially marketable as “oilade” sounds, it should not be overlooked that much of Kujo’s last point sounds a bit like the meaningless gibberish of a crazy person. An oil spill is, under no conceivable circumstance, ever a good thing, unless you are currently driving just in front of someone while playing Diddy Kong Racing. Just ask Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood. Oilrig explodes, kid loses his hearing, and at the end of the film, DDL ends up [Spoiler Alert] finding out that Darth Vader is his father.

For those who didn’t wuss out at the spoiler alert, I would like to personally congratulate myself for that little nugget of comedy. Those who have seen There Will Be Blood know that nothing good can come from too much oil, just as those who have seen Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus know that nothing good can come from putting Lorenzo Lamas anywhere near a video camera. The very thought of a Mega Shark or a Giant Octopus dealing with an oil spill is profoundly disturbing all on its own, but that is a discussion for another day. I mean, the giant octopus in question actually destroys an oilrig at one point in the film, and so I would lobby for our government to concentrate its efforts in finding the huge goddamn octopus that probably made this mess, instead of just putting different sized corks in the oil-hole and seeing how long it takes them to fail completely. But I digress.

I’m fairly sure that the point I’m trying to make here is that oil spills are bad (but it’s late and I could probably be swayed). The average reader may be wondering why exactly this is, but the educated reader is probably already familiar with the following five reasons:

1. It takes but a quick scan of the Wikipedia page for Deepwater Horizon oil spill to see terrifying (and strangely awesome) phrases like “petroleum toxicity”, “oxygen depletion”, “dead man’s switch”, “hydraulic ram”, “blowout prevention”, and “particle image velocimetry”. If you can read all of that and still sleep tonight, then you are a stronger person than I.

2. You can see the damn thing from space. Trust me when I say that things you can see from space are usually terrible and/or pointless (the Mongolians haven’t tried to attack you for years, so what the hell is the point of that wall, China?)

3. Giant oil spill + hurricane season = OIL HURRICANES. It’s like a regular hurricane, but instead of rain, IT’S OIL. And why stop there? The addition of oil to any natural disaster just makes it ten times scarier. We could be faced with oil tornadoes, oil famines, oil earthquakes, and oil Y3K (that spill could be there for awhile, I’m just saying.)

4. The impact of the oil spill on fisheries- I didn’t really do any research here, but one can only assume that the answer is not something like “a positive one” or “the fisheries are better than ever”.

5. The phrase “seagull shelter” is inherently stupid, and therefore negates Kujo’s entire argument.

If I had any sources, this is the place where I would briefly consider citing them.