It's Not Mine, It Must Be Urine

So, it's come to this already. Peeing in the shower. I was hoping we could hit some less controversial topics first, like human trafficking or the existence of God. Well, we're here, we're peeing in the shower, get used to it.

Peeing in the shower is clearly a hot button issue. Attempts to regulate such behaviors have made it to the ballot in 12 states over the past 5 years. 7 of those measures passed in the general elections, and all but one have been struck down by the courts. Currently Iowa is the only state that prohibits peeing in the shower, although two current court cases threaten to nullify the law. For more information see I.C. Weiner v. Iowa and Anita Shower v. Iowa Department of Human Services.

Why though do the courts continuously strike down anti-pee measures? I think I have previously made my stance on the issue clear in the essay "The Pursuit of Happiness: Why Peeing in the Shower is an Inalienable Right" (Journal of The American Chemical Society, No. 6o, Vol 4, 1976). Instead of clouding the issue with personal opinion and petty moralities, I will instead focus on past and present court rulings as well as constitutional interpretation relating to the act of peeing in the shower.

First let us look at why the courts continuously shoot down attempts to regulate shower peeing. As you all no doubt know the first case to declare a law against such activities to be unconstitutional was Mike Hunt v. Seymour Butz. In that landmark decision Justice O'Connor said "Not only should we allow peeing in the shower, we must. The Constitution of the United States provides wide ranging protections for citizens, and this law stands in direct opposition to the spirit of that great document. The founding fathers had a long tradition of uncommon peeing, and to bar these activities simply because they did not foresee the rise of the modern shower would be the greatest travesty in recent history." More recently Justice Sotomayor has echoed these sentiments, saying "I have always supported the right of the American people to pee in the shower, just as the constitution always has. Not since the dawn of slavery in the United States has a more egregious limit been placed on basic human rights."

Most importantly is what the Constitution says about the issue. Problems do arise though based on different interpretations of the same passage, as can be seen by my campaign to compel the federal government to provide the board-game Life, a copy of "Liberty N' Justice - Soundtrack of a Soul", and Will Smith's "The Pursuit of Happyness" to all citizens - as the Declaration of Independence clearly requires. Focusing again on the constitution we must consider the following section of Amendment 25: "Whenever the President transmits to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives his written declaration that he is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, and until he transmits to them a written declaration to the contrary, such powers and duties shall be discharged by the Vice President as Acting President." Although some have tried to construe this in a manner contrary to its true meaning, it seems clear that this amendment guarantees the right of all citizens to pee ("discharge") in the shower.

All these facts together lead us to the undeniable conclusion that peeing in the shower is the best. Those that take advantage of this supreme pleasure are certainly in good company. After all, as Thomas Jefferson famously remarked,

"Is a man not entitled to pee in the shower? No, says the king in London, it is an affront to the crown. No, says the man in the Vatican, it is an affront to God. No, says the man in Boston, it is an affront to the harbor. I rejected those answers. I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...America. A country where the urinator would not fear the censor. Where the shower would not be bound by petty morality. Where the great would not be constrained by the small. "