The Major Differences Between the Shower and the Toilet

The other day, or other month, or just sometime in the past 1-3 years, I was having a conversation with some friends (whom I now classify as enemies) that irreversibly damaged my already fragile psyche. My life was changed, profoundly, when I heard someone assert that it is okay to pee in the shower, and that they have done so on several occasions.

The color drained from my face and I nearly went unconscious as I realized that these were people that I lived with. How many times had someone peed in my shower? What are the scientific implications of peeing in the shower? Is someone peeing in my shower even as I type this? What other places have people been peeing in that I was ignorant of? The sink? The dishwasher? The washing machine? The backseat of my car? To avoid any confusion, the central thesis that I would like to elaborate on is that it is never okay to pee in the shower. Ever. Not even on New Year’s.

In most situations, a nearby toilet accompanies a shower. I propose a three-step plan that gets urine out of the shower, and into the toilet:

1. If you have to go, step out of the shower.
2. Pee in the toilet.
3. If you are confused about (2), most toddlers can clarify for you.

This plan is only moderately complex, and should begin to make sense after several careful readings. I cannot possibly imagine a situation in which the feeling of having to use the bathroom hits you so furiously that it is impossible to take two extra steps to a toilet (unless you have recently eaten a McDonalds breakfast sandwich, or are sitting in a theatre watching a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book, in which case your body will naturally do anything it can to get you out of there). Is the euphoria that accompanies peeing in the shower really so great? The shower is for washing yourself (while possibly singing), and the toilet is for getting rid of bodily waste (while possibly screaming). You would never see me washing myself in the toilet would you? Of course not. Because I close the door before I do it (the toilet water is softer).

Such a free-peeing individual might argue that the act of peeing in the shower saves time and energy. If this is true, then why don’t we just put wheels on our showers and drive them into work, peeing merrily the entire way there? We could take out a mortgage on our showers and live in them comfortably for many years. We’d have no reason to ever leave, and we’d save all the time in the world.