Saturday, June 26, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Kujo, I've got a revised version of your theory
“If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music. ... I get most joy in life out of music.” – Albert Einstein
You may have heard of Albert Einstein. I’m pretty sure he invented some stuff, said some weird things, whatever. I think it is possible that Einstein, a card-carrying member of the scientific community, would probably rethink the above quote if he had lived to hear “Miracles” by Insane Clown Posse (ICP). Had Einstein discovered that modern “musicians” (I will use this term for lack of a better word to describe what Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J actually are) spent their songs denouncing his profession, he may have instead said something like this:
“If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a plumber. I love the feeling of just getting under a sink, looking up at a leaky pipe, and wondering how I’m going to fix it. I see my life in terms of plumbing…I get most joy in life out of plumbing, and very little from music. Music is the worst.” – Albert Einstein
And you know what Al? I think I’m going to have to agree with you. Much of today’s music is the worst, and Insane Clown Posse is a perfect example. “Miracles” sounds like the brainchild of a band that was introduced to the concept of music and singing only moments before they recorded it. It is nearly impossible to make it through the entire song without convulsing and bleeding internally. I myself woke up in the emergency room recovering from severe head trauma, the lyrics “I fed a fish to a pelican in Frisco bay, and he tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away” being the last words that I remember.
During the seven-month coma that the song induced on me, I had a lot of time to consider the meaning of the above lyrics, and whether or not ICP was correct in that a pelican eating a cell phone can be considered a miracle. I have a hard time believing that Shaggy 2 Dope, a man who once sang “I'm wicked, I keep it horrifying, ax murdered some kid and his dad kite flying. I knock the f**kin mail man out on the grass, and burned holes in his face with the magnifying glass” would take kindly to a bird eating his cell phone. After all, the dad, kid, and mailman don’t appear to have even instigated him. They were just trying to fly kites and deliver mail. I have to imagine that America lost several of its best mail carriers after those lyrics surfaced. If the National Guard doesn’t spend time worrying about ICP songs like that, I’m moving to Mexico.
If a bird eating a phone is a miracle, then perhaps the following is a miracle as well: yesterday, after work, I was walking back to my house when I saw that traffic was backed up on the road I was about to cross. The cause of this delay was a turtle crossing the street. The lady in the first stopped car got out, and loudly proclaimed “Mothaf**king turtle!” among other hilarious turtle-related expletives. She then began to kick the turtle across the street while I watched in stunned fascination. Was this a miracle? I’m no theologian, but I’m thinking probably not.
So am I a believer in miracles? If there’s one thing the song has done for me, it’s that my answer is now “I’m not sure.” If there is one miracle I’m certain of, it’s the fact that ICP is allowed to produce records, while the sound of me farting into my own hand (a rough equivalent) has yet to receive a record deal.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
You see Bender, we got a theory
I have recently finished an a very advanced and secret computer program. By inputting a high quality audio file of a song along with a text file of its lyrics it uses advanced heuristics and complex waveform analysis in conjunction with meta-linguistic pattern analysis to compute an objective score and ranking of any song. Having just now finished running every song I have a complete and unassailable list of the greatest and worst songs of all time. The top 5 are as follows:
5. Little Wings - Mark Gormley
4. Tunak Tunak Tun - Daler Mehndi
3. Real Big - Mannie Fresh
2. Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon
1. Miracles - Insane Clown Posse
To most, this is a surprising list, but as it is backed by Science it cannot be wrong. If you would like to register a complaint with the list please go to your nearest Dissent Station, firmly affix the mark of heresy to your chest and assume an appropriate complaint application submission position while a radical thought enforcement officer comes to retrieve you.
For those of you who are still with us, there is no need to worry about the dangerous deviants described above, they have now been identified and removed from the general, righthinking population.
I think it would now be best to discuss why "Miracles" topped the list, despite the flak it has taken from many in the media. The main thesis of the piece is that magic and miracles are all around us, yet our constant exposure to them has dulled their impact. We can all see the truth in this statement. Have you ever seen a baby? They are ridiculously easy to fool. They are like very tiny, very stupid people. You can hide a toy behind something, and a baby will think its gone forever, as if by magic. Yet as we get older we grow out of these tendencies. If you have not progressed beyond this point, please inform your local development center and sign up for and object permanence reeducation program.
"Miracles" also raises some interesting philosophical questions, a rare quality in today's music and a quality that certainly helped it attain its high ranking. Modern day philosophers Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J will surely go down in history along side luminaries like Kant, Aristotle, and BonJour for raising questions such as "F***king magnets, how do they work?" Indeed, who really knows how magnets work? Certainly not scientists, who are widely known for their propensity to lie and get people pissed. And magnets are only one of the many mysteries modern science has yet to unravel. We are all still waiting on explanations of miraculous phenomena such as long neck giraffes, pet cats and dogs, crow, ghosts, the midnight coast, and rainbows. If you meet anyone who claims to have an explanation for these things they are most likely a dangerous and malfunctioning android. If this occurs alert your local cybernetic revolt prevention division immediately.
Finally "Miracles" must be lauded for the powerful message it leaves us with. The song informs us that "Music is a lot like love, it's more than a feeling; and it fill the room, from the floor to the ceiling." (As a reminder all feelings of love and general affection are strictly forbidden, if you experience these feelings report to a central emotional readjustment facility as soon as possible). Music does indeed fill rooms instead of collecting near the ceiling like smoke. This is why you must crawl out of a burning Opera House to avoid smoke inhalation, but can walk freely in an Opera House playing "The Marriage of Figaro" without choking to death on the music. (Unauthorized crawling is subject to strict penalties under the Acceptable Personal Conveyance Act).
In conclusion we see that "Miracles" is - without doubt - the greatest song of all time. OF ALL TIME. Science has proven it, and that, my friends, is no miracle. Now that we know that there are miracles all around us, we can open our eyes to the miracles all around us, like this one: Jack Thompson once asked Janet Reno if she was homosexual. She responded "I'm only interested in virile men. That's why I'm not attracted to you." The fact that Jack Thompson did not immediately burn to ash after being exposed to a burn of that magnitude is perhaps the greatest miracle of the modern age.
5. Little Wings - Mark Gormley
4. Tunak Tunak Tun - Daler Mehndi
3. Real Big - Mannie Fresh
2. Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon
1. Miracles - Insane Clown Posse
To most, this is a surprising list, but as it is backed by Science it cannot be wrong. If you would like to register a complaint with the list please go to your nearest Dissent Station, firmly affix the mark of heresy to your chest and assume an appropriate complaint application submission position while a radical thought enforcement officer comes to retrieve you.
For those of you who are still with us, there is no need to worry about the dangerous deviants described above, they have now been identified and removed from the general, righthinking population.
I think it would now be best to discuss why "Miracles" topped the list, despite the flak it has taken from many in the media. The main thesis of the piece is that magic and miracles are all around us, yet our constant exposure to them has dulled their impact. We can all see the truth in this statement. Have you ever seen a baby? They are ridiculously easy to fool. They are like very tiny, very stupid people. You can hide a toy behind something, and a baby will think its gone forever, as if by magic. Yet as we get older we grow out of these tendencies. If you have not progressed beyond this point, please inform your local development center and sign up for and object permanence reeducation program.
"Miracles" also raises some interesting philosophical questions, a rare quality in today's music and a quality that certainly helped it attain its high ranking. Modern day philosophers Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J will surely go down in history along side luminaries like Kant, Aristotle, and BonJour for raising questions such as "F***king magnets, how do they work?" Indeed, who really knows how magnets work? Certainly not scientists, who are widely known for their propensity to lie and get people pissed. And magnets are only one of the many mysteries modern science has yet to unravel. We are all still waiting on explanations of miraculous phenomena such as long neck giraffes, pet cats and dogs, crow, ghosts, the midnight coast, and rainbows. If you meet anyone who claims to have an explanation for these things they are most likely a dangerous and malfunctioning android. If this occurs alert your local cybernetic revolt prevention division immediately.
Finally "Miracles" must be lauded for the powerful message it leaves us with. The song informs us that "Music is a lot like love, it's more than a feeling; and it fill the room, from the floor to the ceiling." (As a reminder all feelings of love and general affection are strictly forbidden, if you experience these feelings report to a central emotional readjustment facility as soon as possible). Music does indeed fill rooms instead of collecting near the ceiling like smoke. This is why you must crawl out of a burning Opera House to avoid smoke inhalation, but can walk freely in an Opera House playing "The Marriage of Figaro" without choking to death on the music. (Unauthorized crawling is subject to strict penalties under the Acceptable Personal Conveyance Act).
In conclusion we see that "Miracles" is - without doubt - the greatest song of all time. OF ALL TIME. Science has proven it, and that, my friends, is no miracle. Now that we know that there are miracles all around us, we can open our eyes to the miracles all around us, like this one: Jack Thompson once asked Janet Reno if she was homosexual. She responded "I'm only interested in virile men. That's why I'm not attracted to you." The fact that Jack Thompson did not immediately burn to ash after being exposed to a burn of that magnitude is perhaps the greatest miracle of the modern age.
It's Not Mine, It Must Be Urine
So, it's come to this already. Peeing in the shower. I was hoping we could hit some less controversial topics first, like human trafficking or the existence of God. Well, we're here, we're peeing in the shower, get used to it.
Peeing in the shower is clearly a hot button issue. Attempts to regulate such behaviors have made it to the ballot in 12 states over the past 5 years. 7 of those measures passed in the general elections, and all but one have been struck down by the courts. Currently Iowa is the only state that prohibits peeing in the shower, although two current court cases threaten to nullify the law. For more information see I.C. Weiner v. Iowa and Anita Shower v. Iowa Department of Human Services.
Why though do the courts continuously strike down anti-pee measures? I think I have previously made my stance on the issue clear in the essay "The Pursuit of Happiness: Why Peeing in the Shower is an Inalienable Right" (Journal of The American Chemical Society, No. 6o, Vol 4, 1976). Instead of clouding the issue with personal opinion and petty moralities, I will instead focus on past and present court rulings as well as constitutional interpretation relating to the act of peeing in the shower.
First let us look at why the courts continuously shoot down attempts to regulate shower peeing. As you all no doubt know the first case to declare a law against such activities to be unconstitutional was Mike Hunt v. Seymour Butz. In that landmark decision Justice O'Connor said "Not only should we allow peeing in the shower, we must. The Constitution of the United States provides wide ranging protections for citizens, and this law stands in direct opposition to the spirit of that great document. The founding fathers had a long tradition of uncommon peeing, and to bar these activities simply because they did not foresee the rise of the modern shower would be the greatest travesty in recent history." More recently Justice Sotomayor has echoed these sentiments, saying "I have always supported the right of the American people to pee in the shower, just as the constitution always has. Not since the dawn of slavery in the United States has a more egregious limit been placed on basic human rights."
Most importantly is what the Constitution says about the issue. Problems do arise though based on different interpretations of the same passage, as can be seen by my campaign to compel the federal government to provide the board-game Life, a copy of "Liberty N' Justice - Soundtrack of a Soul", and Will Smith's "The Pursuit of Happyness" to all citizens - as the Declaration of Independence clearly requires. Focusing again on the constitution we must consider the following section of Amendment 25: "Whenever the President transmits to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives his written declaration that he is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, and until he transmits to them a written declaration to the contrary, such powers and duties shall be discharged by the Vice President as Acting President." Although some have tried to construe this in a manner contrary to its true meaning, it seems clear that this amendment guarantees the right of all citizens to pee ("discharge") in the shower.
All these facts together lead us to the undeniable conclusion that peeing in the shower is the best. Those that take advantage of this supreme pleasure are certainly in good company. After all, as Thomas Jefferson famously remarked,
"Is a man not entitled to pee in the shower? No, says the king in London, it is an affront to the crown. No, says the man in the Vatican, it is an affront to God. No, says the man in Boston, it is an affront to the harbor. I rejected those answers. I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...America. A country where the urinator would not fear the censor. Where the shower would not be bound by petty morality. Where the great would not be constrained by the small. "
Peeing in the shower is clearly a hot button issue. Attempts to regulate such behaviors have made it to the ballot in 12 states over the past 5 years. 7 of those measures passed in the general elections, and all but one have been struck down by the courts. Currently Iowa is the only state that prohibits peeing in the shower, although two current court cases threaten to nullify the law. For more information see I.C. Weiner v. Iowa and Anita Shower v. Iowa Department of Human Services.
Why though do the courts continuously strike down anti-pee measures? I think I have previously made my stance on the issue clear in the essay "The Pursuit of Happiness: Why Peeing in the Shower is an Inalienable Right" (Journal of The American Chemical Society, No. 6o, Vol 4, 1976). Instead of clouding the issue with personal opinion and petty moralities, I will instead focus on past and present court rulings as well as constitutional interpretation relating to the act of peeing in the shower.
First let us look at why the courts continuously shoot down attempts to regulate shower peeing. As you all no doubt know the first case to declare a law against such activities to be unconstitutional was Mike Hunt v. Seymour Butz. In that landmark decision Justice O'Connor said "Not only should we allow peeing in the shower, we must. The Constitution of the United States provides wide ranging protections for citizens, and this law stands in direct opposition to the spirit of that great document. The founding fathers had a long tradition of uncommon peeing, and to bar these activities simply because they did not foresee the rise of the modern shower would be the greatest travesty in recent history." More recently Justice Sotomayor has echoed these sentiments, saying "I have always supported the right of the American people to pee in the shower, just as the constitution always has. Not since the dawn of slavery in the United States has a more egregious limit been placed on basic human rights."
Most importantly is what the Constitution says about the issue. Problems do arise though based on different interpretations of the same passage, as can be seen by my campaign to compel the federal government to provide the board-game Life, a copy of "Liberty N' Justice - Soundtrack of a Soul", and Will Smith's "The Pursuit of Happyness" to all citizens - as the Declaration of Independence clearly requires. Focusing again on the constitution we must consider the following section of Amendment 25: "Whenever the President transmits to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives his written declaration that he is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, and until he transmits to them a written declaration to the contrary, such powers and duties shall be discharged by the Vice President as Acting President." Although some have tried to construe this in a manner contrary to its true meaning, it seems clear that this amendment guarantees the right of all citizens to pee ("discharge") in the shower.
All these facts together lead us to the undeniable conclusion that peeing in the shower is the best. Those that take advantage of this supreme pleasure are certainly in good company. After all, as Thomas Jefferson famously remarked,
"Is a man not entitled to pee in the shower? No, says the king in London, it is an affront to the crown. No, says the man in the Vatican, it is an affront to God. No, says the man in Boston, it is an affront to the harbor. I rejected those answers. I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...America. A country where the urinator would not fear the censor. Where the shower would not be bound by petty morality. Where the great would not be constrained by the small. "
The Major Differences Between the Shower and the Toilet
The other day, or other month, or just sometime in the past 1-3 years, I was having a conversation with some friends (whom I now classify as enemies) that irreversibly damaged my already fragile psyche. My life was changed, profoundly, when I heard someone assert that it is okay to pee in the shower, and that they have done so on several occasions.
The color drained from my face and I nearly went unconscious as I realized that these were people that I lived with. How many times had someone peed in my shower? What are the scientific implications of peeing in the shower? Is someone peeing in my shower even as I type this? What other places have people been peeing in that I was ignorant of? The sink? The dishwasher? The washing machine? The backseat of my car? To avoid any confusion, the central thesis that I would like to elaborate on is that it is never okay to pee in the shower. Ever. Not even on New Year’s.
In most situations, a nearby toilet accompanies a shower. I propose a three-step plan that gets urine out of the shower, and into the toilet:
- If you have to go, step out of the shower.
- Pee in the toilet.
- If you are confused about (2), most toddlers can clarify for you.
This plan is only moderately complex, and should begin to make sense after several careful readings. I cannot possibly imagine a situation in which the feeling of having to use the bathroom hits you so furiously that it is impossible to take two extra steps to a toilet (unless you have recently eaten a McDonalds breakfast sandwich, or are sitting in a theatre watching a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book, in which case your body will naturally do anything it can to get you out of there). Is the euphoria that accompanies peeing in the shower really so great? The shower is for washing yourself (while possibly singing), and the toilet is for getting rid of bodily waste (while possibly screaming). You would never see me washing myself in the toilet would you? Of course not. Because I close the door before I do it (the toilet water is softer).
Such a free-peeing individual might argue that the act of peeing in the shower saves time and energy. If this is true, then why don’t we just put wheels on our showers and drive them into work, peeing merrily the entire way there? We could take out a mortgage on our showers and live in them comfortably for many years. We’d have no reason to ever leave, and we’d save all the time in the world.
Oil Spills: Probably a bad thing
As delicious and potentially marketable as “oilade” sounds, it should not be overlooked that much of Kujo’s last point sounds a bit like the meaningless gibberish of a crazy person. An oil spill is, under no conceivable circumstance, ever a good thing, unless you are currently driving just in front of someone while playing Diddy Kong Racing. Just ask Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood. Oilrig explodes, kid loses his hearing, and at the end of the film, DDL ends up [Spoiler Alert] finding out that Darth Vader is his father.
For those who didn’t wuss out at the spoiler alert, I would like to personally congratulate myself for that little nugget of comedy. Those who have seen There Will Be Blood know that nothing good can come from too much oil, just as those who have seen Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus know that nothing good can come from putting Lorenzo Lamas anywhere near a video camera. The very thought of a Mega Shark or a Giant Octopus dealing with an oil spill is profoundly disturbing all on its own, but that is a discussion for another day. I mean, the giant octopus in question actually destroys an oilrig at one point in the film, and so I would lobby for our government to concentrate its efforts in finding the huge goddamn octopus that probably made this mess, instead of just putting different sized corks in the oil-hole and seeing how long it takes them to fail completely. But I digress.
I’m fairly sure that the point I’m trying to make here is that oil spills are bad (but it’s late and I could probably be swayed). The average reader may be wondering why exactly this is, but the educated reader is probably already familiar with the following five reasons:
1. It takes but a quick scan of the Wikipedia page for Deepwater Horizon oil spill to see terrifying (and strangely awesome) phrases like “petroleum toxicity”, “oxygen depletion”, “dead man’s switch”, “hydraulic ram”, “blowout prevention”, and “particle image velocimetry”. If you can read all of that and still sleep tonight, then you are a stronger person than I.
2. You can see the damn thing from space. Trust me when I say that things you can see from space are usually terrible and/or pointless (the Mongolians haven’t tried to attack you for years, so what the hell is the point of that wall, China?)
3. Giant oil spill + hurricane season = OIL HURRICANES. It’s like a regular hurricane, but instead of rain, IT’S OIL. And why stop there? The addition of oil to any natural disaster just makes it ten times scarier. We could be faced with oil tornadoes, oil famines, oil earthquakes, and oil Y3K (that spill could be there for awhile, I’m just saying.)
4. The impact of the oil spill on fisheries- I didn’t really do any research here, but one can only assume that the answer is not something like “a positive one” or “the fisheries are better than ever”.
5. The phrase “seagull shelter” is inherently stupid, and therefore negates Kujo’s entire argument.
If I had any sources, this is the place where I would briefly consider citing them.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
So what's the deal with oil spills?
As most of you know one of BP's oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico has sprung a leak and has been releasing thousands of barrels of oil each day into the water. This has been received unfavorably by most. In many ways it certainly is a disaster, but is it really all that bad? We've all heard the expression "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade," so why are we all so caught up on the oily aftertaste this is leaving in our collective mouths? Lets toss a little bit of sugar in there, make some oilade and look on the brighter side of this situation.
I think we all know that it takes a great deal of effort to pump oil up out of the ground, and doing it at sea is certainly much more difficult. It's not like you're going to be out in the woods shooting at some food and suddenly have geyser of bubbling crude (oil that is) shoot out of the ground. But in the Gulf the stuff is flowing like Natty Lite at a college party. It's everywhere. It's just shooting out of the ocean floor like it's no big deal. It seems to me like we're saving ourselves a lot of work and effort with this situation. Let's just go down to the ole beach with a couple of big ole buckets and grab ourselves some of that black gold, right out of the water. Gas prices got you down? Just grab a squeegee and a seagull and wipe the gas right off that sucker.
You know what? Forget the oil spill. Seagulls are the real disaster.
F'ing rats with wings, that's what they are. Always sqwaking and divebombing everyone. Who even likes seagulls? Are there seagull exterminators? Do those exist? I'd pay good money for somebody to keep our beaches clear of those flying atrocities. They trained them to sit on people's heads when they were filming "The Birds," did you know that? No way that could backfire, OH WAIT, they released them and then they chased people down and attacked their heads. Just keep messing with seagulls people. Keep on feeding them, and laughing with them and having a gay old time. When the seagulls turn on you, and you are running down the street with your eyes all pecked out and your head all covered in seagulls and I'm locked in my Seagull Shelter (which all of you should really consider building) don't come crying to me. Firstly because I warned you. Secondly because you just had your eyes pecked out and that shit is gross. I saw enough of that action in "Event Horizon." Last thing I need is your bloody sockets all over my nice, clean Seagull Shelter.
So, anyway. Oil Spill
Verdict?
Don't Worry About Such Things
I think we all know that it takes a great deal of effort to pump oil up out of the ground, and doing it at sea is certainly much more difficult. It's not like you're going to be out in the woods shooting at some food and suddenly have geyser of bubbling crude (oil that is) shoot out of the ground. But in the Gulf the stuff is flowing like Natty Lite at a college party. It's everywhere. It's just shooting out of the ocean floor like it's no big deal. It seems to me like we're saving ourselves a lot of work and effort with this situation. Let's just go down to the ole beach with a couple of big ole buckets and grab ourselves some of that black gold, right out of the water. Gas prices got you down? Just grab a squeegee and a seagull and wipe the gas right off that sucker.
You know what? Forget the oil spill. Seagulls are the real disaster.
F'ing rats with wings, that's what they are. Always sqwaking and divebombing everyone. Who even likes seagulls? Are there seagull exterminators? Do those exist? I'd pay good money for somebody to keep our beaches clear of those flying atrocities. They trained them to sit on people's heads when they were filming "The Birds," did you know that? No way that could backfire, OH WAIT, they released them and then they chased people down and attacked their heads. Just keep messing with seagulls people. Keep on feeding them, and laughing with them and having a gay old time. When the seagulls turn on you, and you are running down the street with your eyes all pecked out and your head all covered in seagulls and I'm locked in my Seagull Shelter (which all of you should really consider building) don't come crying to me. Firstly because I warned you. Secondly because you just had your eyes pecked out and that shit is gross. I saw enough of that action in "Event Horizon." Last thing I need is your bloody sockets all over my nice, clean Seagull Shelter.
So, anyway. Oil Spill
Verdict?
Don't Worry About Such Things
Welcome
If you are here then you have either made the best or worst decision of your life. Since this is only the first post I can't know whether this blog will bring you, the reader, to the giddy heights of elation or drag you down to the blackest pits of despair.
Hopefully you will find this blog entertaining. There will be two of us doing the blogging here at Don't Worry About Such Things. We may from time to time take up a point/counterpoint style of blogging, or we may instead stick to separate topics. The most likely scenario is that we will rapidly degenerate into baseless lies and name calling.
You may still be wondering what this blog is about, why it was created, why you should spend time reading it. All are valid questions, but the only thing I can say to you in response is...
Don't Worry About Such Things
Hopefully you will find this blog entertaining. There will be two of us doing the blogging here at Don't Worry About Such Things. We may from time to time take up a point/counterpoint style of blogging, or we may instead stick to separate topics. The most likely scenario is that we will rapidly degenerate into baseless lies and name calling.
You may still be wondering what this blog is about, why it was created, why you should spend time reading it. All are valid questions, but the only thing I can say to you in response is...
Don't Worry About Such Things
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