Just like we had to deal with the horrors of Hell.
Rory, bearing the fabled Golden Fiddle, approached the Gates of Hell. His face was set in grim determination as he walked up to the twisted doors of bone and metal that marked the entrance to the underworld.
Rory stopped just before the gates, took a deep breath, and yelled, "Let the Lord of the Black Lands come forth, that justice may be done upon him."
"Wait, isn't that from Lord of the Rings? We can't use that," I shouted to him from my spot next to O'Brien/O'Brian/O'Bryan.
"Yeah we can, it was only the extended edition, so I don't think it's technically copyrighted."
"I'm pretty sure Aragorn says that in the Theatrical cut."
"Nope, he says if before the Mouth of Sauron appears, and that scene is definitely only in the extended editions. I know because my grandma only has the regular editions, so I watch them when I go and feed her cats, and the Mouth of Sauron isn't in them."
"No, no, you're right about the Mouth of Sauron, but Aragorn totally still says that in the Theatrical cut. They just cut out the Mouth of Sauron and go straight to the Battle of the Black Gate."
"Look, I can settle this for you guys right now," interjected O'Bryan. "I'll pull the scene up on youtube right now."
We all stood around while he fiddled with his phone for a minute or so.
"Shit. The WiFi down here is password protected. Anyone happen to know the log-in info?" O'Bryan asked.
"Do any of us know Hell's WiFi password? No. I am going to go with 'no' on that one," I responded.
"Hold-up. I think it is 'fluttershyrocks'" said The Devil.
"Thanks man," said O'Bryan, "let me get this loaded u-OH MAN, OH GEEZ OH MAN, OH GEEZ, GUYS, IT'S THE DEVIL!"
And it was.
The Devil looked super spooks; we were all pretty freaked out when we saw him. O'Brian and O'Brien ran off, but O'Bryan was still trying to load the Youtube video and didn't want to loose his signal. I was very thankful that I had had the foresight to wear adult diapers on this journey, because I lost control of about 60% of my bodily functions. Mainly the gross ones. Rory handled it better than the rest of us, managing to contain his reaction to a series of terror-pukes.
The Devil was actually pretty considerate, and caught up on some paperwork while waiting for us to regain control of ourselves. The paperwork was mainly W-2's for the Hell's massive workforce.
After a while, Rory, O'Bryan and I had recovered enough to confront The Devil.
"Satan," began Rory, "Many years ago..."
Rory stopped as the Devil held up a finger, imploring him to wait a moment. He was right in the middle of completing his Quarterly Performance Review of Azazel, Dark Master of Lies Told To You By Customer Service Representatives.
"There," said the Devil, setting down his pen, "all finished up. Guess who didn't hit their productivity goal for the quarter." He chuckled softly to himself while slowly shaking his head.
Rory cleared his throat nervously.
"Oh yes," said the Devil, "terribly sorry for cutting you off like that, I just hate to lose my train of thought when filling those out. Please, continue."
"Satan," Rory started once more, "many years ago, you took something from me, and I have felt its absence every moment of my life. When I traded it to you for the ability to always guess the correct number of jellybeans in a jar, I thought I wouldn't even miss it. I was wrong. It has left a hole deep inside me, that no number of prizes from guessing the number of jelly beans in a jar can fill."
"Oh Rory," I murmured, "you sold the Devil your soul for that?"
"No." answered the Devil. "He gave me something much more valuable. I have many souls, but until Rory came along, I didn't have a 1st Edition Holographic Charizard card." The Devil smiled as he pulled the card from his pocket. It was in pristine condition, preserved in one of those plastic card holders. The flames of hell reflected off the shiny part of the card, and made it look way bitchin'.
The sight of it brought tears to Rory's eyes. "I want it back you son of a bitch," he choked, the words catching in his throat.
The Devil eyed the Golden Fiddle in Rory's hands. "Ah, you know the wager I see. If you truly think you can beat me, then let the games begin."
The Devil stood, and turned away from us. He lifted one of his clawed hands, and clenched it into a fist. The air around him began to crackle with energy. In front of him, the ground split, and a stage began to rise up from the earth.
Suddenly, Rory dashed forward and swung the Golden Fiddle directly into the Devil's head.
"SHIT" the Devil cried out, as he stumbled forward and fell to the ground.
Rory grabbed the Charizard card from his hand as the Devil struggled to get up. "Run!" Rory yelled as he began to sprint off the way we came. O'Bryan and I exchanged a confused look before taking off after him. As we ran off, I looked back over my shoulder. The Devil looked super pissed, but wasn't following us. Probably because of the gaping head wound.
Once the Devil was out of sight, we stopped to catch our breaths.
"What the hell was that?" I asked Rory. "I though the plan was to challenge him to a musical duel."
"Are you insane? You wanted me to try and outplay the Devil with a golden fiddle? That would have sounded like shit. There is no way in Hell I would have won that contest, and in case you weren't paying attention, Hell is exactly where we were" Rory shot back. "Look. We have the card, and that is really all that matters."
"Is it though? Won't the Devil come after us?"
"Nah."
